Eight Things Not to Say to the New Mother
1) "I've got a new puppy (or an old one), and taking care of it is more work than a baby."
This could possibly be true. I've dog sat both a puppy and an old dog and multiple times caring for each, I thought to myself "I am never doing this again." However, as a new, sleep deprived mother, there is no comparison between a baby and a dog. If you have trouble distinguishing between the responsibilities involved, consider the difference between the approval process for adopting a puppy and that of adopting a baby.
2) "Your baby is crying a lot? You better get used to it."
Judging by reactions I've seen from mothers of grown children when their children cry, I do not think that the second sentence must follow the first. Yes, the new mother must sometime learn that she won't be able to (and, in some cases, shouldn't try to) soothe away the source of the tears, but in my limited experience, I am inclined to believe that no mother ever gets used to it.
3) "Shame on you."
A new mother has enough expectations she knows she isn't meeting. I've yet to hear from a new mother "Oh, I've got it all together. I'm doing everything just right." So don't pile on any more pressure. If she really is doing something shameful, like going grocery shopping in her nighty or letting her baby teethe on the toilet brush, she needs help. Find it for her.
4) "Ew. What is that?!?"
This is especially unhelpful when you are at the new mother's house helping her clean. It is a rare woman who is not slightly mortified to have someone she knows clean her messy house. If you are allowed the privilege (and it is a privilege) to help clean the new mom's house, it is for one of two reasons: 1) She is desperate. She knows the place is gross, it doesn't help to bring attention to it. Or 2) The house is still relatively clean from her nesting energies and she is hoping that your kind attention to a few key areas will prevent her from being embarrassed when all the other well-wishers drop in. In this case, your disgust at what she considers passable is devastating.
5) "Don't let anyone give you advice about how to raise your baby."
The irony in this statement makes it a gem all by itself. But even if you can get past the irony, how do you intend she stop the advice? Have the mother wear ear plugs 24/7 or encourage her to move to the moon?
6) "I had to take away my 13 year old's ability to text on her cell phone because of trouble she got into at school. See what you have to look forward to?"
I have a couple issues with this one. 1) Each child and each stage has it's own challenges and joys. Don't wish the particular trials you are going through on someone who has their own fill of challenges. 2) Technology is changing fast enough that by the time my baby is 13, texting will either be about as common as LPs are today or it will be so prevalent that taking away a teenager's right to text will be nigh on to abuse.
7) "Your baby is such an easy baby! He will probably trick you into thinking you can handle another baby, and then... won't you be in trouble."
Try not to attribute highly complex manipulative capabilities to a person who is still learning to burp. Also, steer clear of statements that sound remarkably curse-like.
8) "Enjoy every minute of it, because before you know it your kid will move off to college."
I understand that time has a way of zipping by, but between the unique combination of sleep deprivation, a body that is "not my body", and brand-new responsibility of Not Messing Up a Poor Helpless Baby that Relies Solely on the Woman Who Cannot Finish a Sentence Due to Lack of Sleep, give the poor woman permission to not enjoy every minute.
This could possibly be true. I've dog sat both a puppy and an old dog and multiple times caring for each, I thought to myself "I am never doing this again." However, as a new, sleep deprived mother, there is no comparison between a baby and a dog. If you have trouble distinguishing between the responsibilities involved, consider the difference between the approval process for adopting a puppy and that of adopting a baby.
2) "Your baby is crying a lot? You better get used to it."
Judging by reactions I've seen from mothers of grown children when their children cry, I do not think that the second sentence must follow the first. Yes, the new mother must sometime learn that she won't be able to (and, in some cases, shouldn't try to) soothe away the source of the tears, but in my limited experience, I am inclined to believe that no mother ever gets used to it.
3) "Shame on you."
A new mother has enough expectations she knows she isn't meeting. I've yet to hear from a new mother "Oh, I've got it all together. I'm doing everything just right." So don't pile on any more pressure. If she really is doing something shameful, like going grocery shopping in her nighty or letting her baby teethe on the toilet brush, she needs help. Find it for her.
4) "Ew. What is that?!?"
This is especially unhelpful when you are at the new mother's house helping her clean. It is a rare woman who is not slightly mortified to have someone she knows clean her messy house. If you are allowed the privilege (and it is a privilege) to help clean the new mom's house, it is for one of two reasons: 1) She is desperate. She knows the place is gross, it doesn't help to bring attention to it. Or 2) The house is still relatively clean from her nesting energies and she is hoping that your kind attention to a few key areas will prevent her from being embarrassed when all the other well-wishers drop in. In this case, your disgust at what she considers passable is devastating.
5) "Don't let anyone give you advice about how to raise your baby."
The irony in this statement makes it a gem all by itself. But even if you can get past the irony, how do you intend she stop the advice? Have the mother wear ear plugs 24/7 or encourage her to move to the moon?
6) "I had to take away my 13 year old's ability to text on her cell phone because of trouble she got into at school. See what you have to look forward to?"
I have a couple issues with this one. 1) Each child and each stage has it's own challenges and joys. Don't wish the particular trials you are going through on someone who has their own fill of challenges. 2) Technology is changing fast enough that by the time my baby is 13, texting will either be about as common as LPs are today or it will be so prevalent that taking away a teenager's right to text will be nigh on to abuse.
7) "Your baby is such an easy baby! He will probably trick you into thinking you can handle another baby, and then... won't you be in trouble."
Try not to attribute highly complex manipulative capabilities to a person who is still learning to burp. Also, steer clear of statements that sound remarkably curse-like.
8) "Enjoy every minute of it, because before you know it your kid will move off to college."
I understand that time has a way of zipping by, but between the unique combination of sleep deprivation, a body that is "not my body", and brand-new responsibility of Not Messing Up a Poor Helpless Baby that Relies Solely on the Woman Who Cannot Finish a Sentence Due to Lack of Sleep, give the poor woman permission to not enjoy every minute.
Comments
I love this! I hope and pray I have never said any of these things but it is a good reminder to pay attention to how careless words can take the air right out of the sails of a struggling young mother's boat.
I help with a MOPS group at a local church in my area. I am what they call a mentor Mom - I am there to love their babies and to let them know they will make it through this challenging period of life. With your permission I would like to share it with the women there at some point this year.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.