Life in the Slow Lane

I discovered that I have a thing against soft serve machines that spit chocolate milk all over my shirt.

Nearly a month ago I was tagged by Elena . Now I tag elbereth elentari (because I know she has nothing better to do), The girl with the red hat ,(because she needs to have an easy exercise to figure out the idiosyncrasies of her new laptop), and Elsiene (because she needs a second post). Here are the "questions." Answer five of them, and tag three more friends. =) If I could be a scientist...If I could be a farmer...If I could be a musician...If I could be a doctor...If I could be a painter...If I could be a gardener...If I could be a missionary...If I could be a chef...If I could be an architect...If I could be a linguist...If I could be a psychologist...If I could be a librarian...If I could be an athlete...If I could be a lawyer...If I could be an inn-keeper...If I could be a professor...If I could be a writer...If I could be a llama-rider...If I could be a bonnie pirate...If I could be an astronaut...If I could be a world famous blogger...If I could be a justice on any o...

Pride goeth before learning how to drive stick shift.

This semester I have decided to take classes that will foster my creative side. I'm taking piano, clothing construction (no hammers required), and drawing. I signed up for creative writing, but as you read in my previous rant on the subject, I don't care to have a teacher read what I write and decide that what I really mean to write has a great deal more sex, language, and violence. So I've decided to drop that class. But don't worry, in order to keep with my theme of fostering my creative genius I have decided to take Personal Finance.

I think that with very little effort you could probably convince me that the reason men's voices are lower than women's voices is because men damage their vocal chords making numerous engine sounds as children. I have been repeatedly scolded by two preschool boys for not making the proper engine noises when driving my monster truck, motorcycle, and race car. Whenever I do manage to come close to making a sound that they approve of, my throat hurts for quite some time afterwards.

That is what you get when you take the create out of the creative. You wind up with something sick, something maintaining life in some unnatural way. Yet for some reason, "creative" means that you can talk about the perverse and about honorable things without a trace of reverence. You can laugh about child abuse and infidelity. You can stir the muck of your mind, throw it on paper, and call it good. Repulsive. How can I learn to write well when the teacher wallows in filth and then admires how he looks? How can I bring an objection when it has already been established that everyone who objects is equal to Hitler and Stalin? If the pen is mightier than the sword, wish me good aim.

I realized that if all goes as planned, this year I will set foot on four continents. If any of you would like to contribute funds so that I can make it to the other three (or even just the other two inhabited ones) just let me know.

Sometimes I think the air holds ideas just like it holds humidity. One day you wake up and find yourself just dripping with something you hadn't noticed before. Yesterday I was caught by surprise to have two conversations on the very same topic with a five year old, who may not make it through highschool if she keeps to her socio-economic expectations, and a two year old, who probably won't stop short of a doctorate, if he keeps to his socio-economic expectations. The topic of these conversations was humor. They would present to me a scenario and then say "That's funny, huh." And I would be obliged to answer "yes" or "no, not really." Humor is a strange thing to figure out. An infant may laugh endlessly about a clothes hanger dropping on the floor. A three year old thinks it is hilarious to hear someone talk with their nose plugged. A junior higher snickers about things better left in their knickers. And a middle aged man loves to twist in a pu...

Here is something I wrote elsewhere about one of my experiences in China. I was going to rewrite it just for my gentle readers, but because I am currently house sitting, I have expended all of my extra creative energies trying to figure out how to out maneuver a large clingy dog. So, I am sorry to say, you get a hand-me-down post today. I was trying to eat with my left hand. With chopsticks. This wasn’t just a whim to test my skill. My right hand was holding 14 month old Kyle on my lap at an angle that would make it more difficult for him to reach towards the boiling pot of food which was part of each place setting. Three waitresses and the principal’s assistant hovered around Kyle, feeding him, wiping his face clean, picking up things from the floor, and trying to figure out what to do with the water bottle lid that made it into his mouth between each bite. With the honored principal, the even more honored guests, the assistant, and a government official, here I was sitting at the ta...

Now that you have a few pictures to help you imagine what life was like to go out with a white baby in China, I thought I would share a list with you. Things My Charge Collected From Passersby and Near Strangers Candy Fruit Rolls A large ball Two choking hazardous toys A rose from a vendor in the Amazing Department Store A mostly flat ball dug out of the back of a closet Steamed bread A stuffed panda bear toy A bean bag Chinese pig (We know it is a Chinese pig because of the slanted eyes.) A peach A Chinese Opera T-shirt A small Chinese flag Orange Soda from a street vendor Chunks of sugar crystals Seven flowers picked with a few furtive glances to see who might be watching Sips of Orange Soda in a restaurant kitchen (The number of times that baby went into a kitchen!) A key chain to snap on his stroller A key chain with a light Just in case you were wondering, we accidentally on purpose left a few of those things behind.

What follows is a small sampling of the photos I took during my time in China. If you are interested in seeing more of them, there is a larger sampling on my flikr account which you can get to by clicking on any one of the pictures. If you want to see all of the photos I took in China, um... too bad. I also found another roll of pictures I took during my trip to Europe in June. Those will be added to my others in a month or so.

City streets 2 Originally uploaded by biukalee .

Star attraction Originally uploaded by biukalee . This is one of the only times where the camera was able to capture both the crowd and the attraction. Usually the crowd completely surrounded my charge.

Speeding along on the Great Wall Originally uploaded by biukalee . This was at a time when we were still able to move.

New weight loss plan Originally uploaded by biukalee . I'm so glad that it is so easy to remain fit.

Having just finished twenty four days in Beijing, I have the following recommendations for changes they should make before they host the Olympics in 2008. Because of course they will ask me. 1) Improve traveler comfort in airport. (see previous post) 2) Improve subway system. (There are plans in the works for this.) 3) Hire many native English speakers to proof read. ( "We give you bank, your money. and more, we give you another one!" "Warn: Do not scramble the escalator" "To remain fit: no spitting." While the errors produce merriment, they do not promote understanding.) 4) Line the mountains with giant fans to push the mud hanging in the air out of the city. (I know it doesn't sound feasible, but neither does the Great Wall.) 5) Introduce a campaign to curb public displays of human waste. (They have signs all over to tell people not to spit... I think taking care of sewage would rank as a higher priority, but maybe that is just a result of my ignoran...

I was taken against my will to Shanghai. Granted I wasn't knocked over the head and dragged onto a ship, but when airline travel is slower than the train system, I develop a pretty serious headache. I tried calculating our average speed that we traveled, and for twelve hours I figure that we managed an average of 0.083 mph. All this to say, Beijing has some pretty important changes to make before the Olympics in 2008. Arriving at the Beijing airport at 9:15 am on July 31, the first step was to join the hundreds of other travelers with their mountains of luggage trying to fit through a four foot wide opening where one person collected the customs card that maybe you were saavy enough to know to fill out. No lines. Just hundreds of people trying to make room for themselves with a few good pushes of their luggage cart. And then it was on to the airline counters where maybe you were fortunate enough to get in the line that would actually accept luggage for your flight. And maybe you fo...