Life in the Slow Lane

After a lead in like that, you are bound to be disappointed, and I have to admit that it was a little anti-climactic. See, I started planning in November, and I dreamed about it and dreamed about it all through December when I finally put it together on Christmas Eve and... nothing. I just happened to forget about a few key properties of the great cool thing I was wrapping. That cool thing being dry ice. Like for instance that you can't handle it with bare hands. Or that it should be kept in a well ventilated place. Or that in order for it to "smoke" it has to have water in it. (Now at this point you should say "Water doesn't work very well in a well ventilated container that may be shaken and turned upside down as Christmas gifts frequently are." And this is what I should have said, too. But alas, it was not to be.) And I also happened to forget the great physical truth that cold air does not rise. So while visions of a huge smoking pac...

Most people know that the most entertaining Christmas gifts for young children are the boxes and paper that the gifts come in. Well, I was very relieved to know that my feet still enthrall a certain four year old even when he is surrounded by brand new toys. He even tried to plan out a way to cut off my feet so that he could keep them. (He offered the attic to me, should I not want to be too separated from my feet.) But all this is perfectly fine with me... it keeps him quiet, my feet warm, and leaves me available to play with his cool new toys.

Every Christmas my family is sent a picture of a brick wall. It is the same brick wall and it has the same five people standing in front of it and there is hardly any change from year to year except for perhaps the height of the people and the clothes they are wearing. This is one of those things that qualify as a grand ol' boring tradition. Now perhaps you think that I say this in disgust. You err. This is, after all, life in the slow lane. Now pardon what might appear to be a digression... I have heard that a piece of art put up on private property can, after several years, be "owned" by the public in the sense that the true owners cannot just take the art down at their whim. For instance, a fountain built in front of a place of business by the business may not be able to be taken down in five years. I don't know where I happened to hear that nor whether it has any basis in fact, but traditions have similar properties... they become owned and if yo...

A while back I saw a greeting card that had the top ten last minute gifts. It was stupid. The second most popular last minute gift, according to them, is something from the garage. The first is anything from last year. The card was almost enough to prompt me to quote Scrooge, "Humbug!" Instead I turned my head and politely gagged in the Hallmark aisle. But after giving this topic much thought over the last several weeks, I have decided that I inadvertently dared myself to come up with a better top ten list. So, without further ado (and hopefully without further gagging) I present: The Top Ten Last Minute Gifts for Christmas 10) A gift certificate for anywhere (The real gift here is the fact that you stood in line for three hours to buy it.). 9) A gift basket of food that includes pickled pig feet and any item of canned meat. (Okay, you can gag here.) 8) Christmas cookies (especially appropriate as a last minute gift if you rewrap cookies that several othe...

I got a coupon to "Save on Last Minute Shopping" that expired on the 18th. Whose bright idea was that? I have decided that the two reasons for Christmas cards are A) Updating your address book B) Finding an excuse to say "hi" Why do Christmas cookies taste so much better at Christmas? Songs sung at night as a group in the open air when it is very, very cold sound almost as good as songs sung by soloists in the shower. It seems that when it comes to Christmas songs, you either love them or hate them. How come the songs they play in shopping malls are the songs that I hate? Wishing for a white Christmas in New England and wishing for a white Christmas in the Central Valley do not carry the same warmth of feeling. Christmas is the perfect time to discover hidden routes to and from the mall and post office. Why haven't they invented a fire proof rotisserie chair? One that you can sit in near the fire without burning one side before the oth...

Have you ever played soccer with a four year old and lost? Even when you and he are on the same team playing against the dog? I don't feel quite so beat if I remember that we were on the dog's home field... marked according to his style, if you get my drift.

So after much thought on solving the world's problems, I have arrived at a solution for ending the evil of gambling. (If you aren't yet convinced that gambling is evil, let me try my fool proof argument out on you...something that lures millions of people into the middle of nowhere HAS to be evil. Right? Of course right!) The solution: The Personal Guaranteed Wins Slot Machine! This is how it works: The interested party inserts money into the machine and chooses a selection of numbers. If those numbers coincides with the computer generated random number, the party wins. If the numbers do not match up, the money simply stays in the machine and allows for a much bigger win in the future. Isn't this a great plan? That way, you aren't giving your money to some stranger who is likely to spend it on a car that will get reposessed plus you don't have to feel guilty about throwing your money away because you will eventually get the money back. Think of it as ...

Some days you're just running around the yard being chased by a remote control monster truck when Bam! You step in dog p**p.

There is a um... something named "The Ungame." It comes in a box that looks kind of like Monopoly and it has a board and "game" pieces, so I would be inclined to call it a game, but as its name is "The Ungame" if I called it "The Ungame game" everything would be cancelled out except for "The." Anyway, for many years, my family was lucky enough to own this "The" and then one blessed day my family was lucky enough to get rid of this "The" by donating it to a group garage sale. For those of you unfamiliar with "The" it is a classic 70s Christian game. There can be no winner and their can be no loser. Think "Truth or Dare" without the dare part and with pre-printed truth questions that you might find in a book entitled "1,000 Questions To Start Conversation"(Oh, and don't forget the ungame board and ungame pieces). So let's review. It has a box like a game, a board like a...

You might think that Hobbit Toes would come in handy during winter... to help keep your watermelon candy scented feet warm. But while the hair might contribute to warmer digits, they carry several displeasing side effects. For instance, the friction created by wearing socks can be quite painful in those hair folicles. And, for as many ways as you can conceive to get rid of those pesky hairs, you will arrive upon a solution no less painful than the problem.

Add one to the list. ~Dealing with dirty diapers ~Sticky fingers wherever ~Screaming, yelling, crying, tattling ~Dirt from shoes on clothes from holding children ~Biting, kicking, hitting ~Messed up hair ~Ketchup everywhere ~Sore back from having kids think you are a jungle gym ~Finger prints on glasses ~Drool wherever it happened to be convenient and saliva wherever it happened to be fun. ~Purse contents emptied and explored ~Apple-pie wide eyes from having a charge nearly strangle a baby ~Sore arms from lifting children at all angles and pushing them forever and a day on the swing ~Increased brain strain from trying to understand a two year old with his binky in his mouth ~Being taken in by a clever, lying child And all new... ~Having my foot held tightly in order to have it properly smelled... for TEN MINUTES by a child who insists that it smells like watermelon and candy. Strange child... and I was thinking his persistance in telling me to take off my socks ...

Today I was told "Cry him. Cry him in the banana." The great thing is it made perfect sense.