Life in the Slow Lane

No doubt, many of you have been losing sleep, wondering exactly how many plastic pieces it requires to make a hula hoop rattle. As always, we at Slowlane Labs aim to make your life better and have taken it upon ourselves to solve this particular mystery. The answer is one. Unfortunately, most hula hoops have between 100 and 300. But fortunately, that same little bit of plastic piece that makes so much noise in a hula hoop does not make any noise inside of a cat.

Weighed wedding dress. Began engineering ways to insert helium balloons to offset weight. (Don't worry, El, we'll make sure the wedding dress doesn't keep you from floating.)

Mission Wedding Dress to be completed in eight days or less Day 1: Remarked on vastness of white Day 2: Remarked on vastness of white Day 3: Started search team for poofy petticoat Day 4: Acessed biggest petticoat. Agreed with search and rescue team that it has a distinct fish smell. Agreed with mission head that the biggest petticoat still lacks in desired poofiness. Day 5: Made trip to Walmart. Purchased two "Maui Hoops" (formerly known as hula hoops) and three yards of tulle. Set up dress form with a swivel bar stool, two file boxes, and an upside down salad bowl. Got lost in tulle. Re-emerged to find wedding dress approaching desired poofiness. Problems still to tackle: How to remove noise makers from inside hoops. How to keep bright pink and blue patterns on hoops from showing through the white. How to ascertain that hoops will not keep bride from sitting down nor keep groom from coming within three feet of bride. (Perhaps the true reason that it is considered bad luck f...

I am happy to announce the arrival of Sir Pimple Ginormous. As always, his impeccable sense of timing allows him to be in attendance for the upcoming festivities.

It is a good thing that my bed is queen-sized, because for the last sevaral days, there has been a mountain of white taking up more than half of the bed. Part of the reason that it is still there is because I'm not sure I have the faith of a mustard seed to move it. You see, it is a wedding dress... a wedding dress that I need to make alterations on. We have a lovely dining table. We have seated as many as 13 people at it before, but for the last couple days (ever since the Thanksgiving meal, actually) we have moved two chairs into the kitchen where we have taken turns sitting down to eat. That is because the makings of five vests for groomsmen are sprawled across the table. I keep wishing I had a clipboard that I could attach to my waist so that everytime I thought of something I could note it down, but it doesn't seem that I can hang on to any particular thought long enough to jot it down. I suspect that some time around May I will suddenly remember what I have already forgot...

Several years ago I read a book on house cleaning where the author claimed that the good house keeper should be able to make a bed by circling the bed only once. I've made many beds since then, of many different sizes, and the only bed I was able to accomplish that feat with was a doll bed which only had one blanket. On a good day with a normal mattress, I have to circle once for the fitted sheet, once for the top sheet, and once for each of the blankets and comforter. On a bad day, the mattress pad and fitted sheet pop off of the corner adjacent to the one I'm working on, preceding me all around the bed as I attempt to anchor it. On a bad day, the top sheet and each of the blankets will not land evenly and so I go from one side to the other, pulling to even things out. Maybe the author was a relation of Mary Poppins.

I was somewhat distracted when one of my boys informed me that he had the hiccups. I'm always interested in hearing how people "cure" hiccups, so I asked him if he knew how to get rid of them, hoping to gain some interesting anthropological data. With my brain now occupied with two different things (wondering what method his family used and building my Thomas train track), I didn't notice him lean into my ear. That is, I didn't notice until he yelled into it. If I had been the patient, I would have been cured. I pointed that out to him... that someone was supposed to scare him, not that he was supposed to scare someone else. My heart still pounding, I suggested that he try holding his breath. He immediately complied by clamping his mouth shut, puffing his cheeks out with air, and breathing through his nose.

For the last four years, every time winter approaches, my hands get to be as soft as a baby's bottom. Unfortunately, it's a baby with diaper rash. At least this year I have access to Desitin.

One of my kids is just at that point in life where blowing bubbles and catching the bubbles begins to be as fun as bursting the bubbles I blow. He still hasn't reached the point where it is fun to build sand castles and see how big they can get rather than smashing them as fast as he can. And block towers? Hah! So far blocks are for scattering to the farthest reaches of the room. It is fun to see this slow change, though. The dawning realization that strength and ability can do more than just destroy... that it can be used to build and create. I want to whisper while he's sleeping "Don't let yourself believe that destruction is more fun than creating. One day you will be capable of cynicism, criticism, and biting wit, but don't let the thrill of that keep you from learning the joy of building."

walnut2 Originally uploaded by biukalee . It has come to my attention that many of you are not getting enough sleep. It has also come to my attention that I have not yet posted my walnut drawings for you to view. I naturally conclude that you have not been getting enough sleep because I haven't shown you my walnut drawings. What follows are four of the 13 images that I drew of my lovely walnut. Now you can go get some sleep.

walnut Originally uploaded by biukalee .

walnut5 Originally uploaded by biukalee .

walnut3 Originally uploaded by biukalee .

I've fallen in love. Sunday afternoon I went to a concert featuring my piano teacher and her husband. They played all sorts of four handed pieces, some on the same piano, some on two separate pianos. Whenever I go to a live performance, I feel like I hear more with my eyes than with my ears, but this concert was more enriched by seeing it than many other performances that I've been to. Not only did they play the William Tell Overture which required one person's hand playing directly beneath the other's, but they played P.D.Q. Bach's Sonata Innamorata which requires the pianists to switch sides on the piano bench while playing. The Sonata is named Innamorata for a reason. Another favorite of the afternoon was an arrangement of Gershwin songs taken from piano rolls he crafted. While the piano roll could be played on one piano, it takes two people on separate pianos to accomplish the same sound. I've always liked the sound of the piano, but now I think I'm ...

The best place to keep a watermelon is NOT in the back of your truck. It kind of has the same results as keeping a bowling ball back there, only more mushy.

I think there must be a market for renting kids. Just imagine, you want to go on a walk. You don't want to look like your car broke down. You don't want to look like you are too lazy to run. You don't want to worry about pooperscoopers as you walk behind a dog. The obvious solution is to rent a kid. Or, rather, rent a kid that can sit in a stroller as you push it in front of you on your walk. Now, you may wonder why you should go through the bother of renting the child when you could just rent the stroller and pretend there is a child inside, but there is always the chance that you will walk by a curious seven year old who will ask "Do you have a baby in there?" And, as everybody knows, if your life can't pass the inspection of a curious seven year old, something is wrong. Which provides us with another reason for why you might need to rent a kid.