Life in the Slow Lane

Talk about hidden costs... Tuition. Of course. Books, yeah, that, too. Parking. I guess. Health fee? What? Maybe. Student Center fee? Um... Student Representation fee. Excuse me? Sounds like a silly tax. Keep an eye on your tea shipment, is all I have to say. But what in the world is the "materials fee" for my computer class? Time for a history lesson: Several years ago a mistake was made in an order and the college recieved 30,000 (yes, that is thirty thousand) floppy disks. So every semester they give their computer students two disks and a disk container and charge them six dollars under "materials fee". They have enough disks to see them through 2007. Too bad most computers don't even have disk drives any more.

I received my second letter of rejection yesterday. Instead of writing a drinking song like I did for my first rejection, I spent some time with a certain three year old who easily made me forget all of my previous problems. And then I went and sat in a court room for a few minutes. That made me forget even the three year old. But instead of spending the entire day moving from uncomfortable to worse, I ended the day by playing the coolest keyboard I have ever had the priviledge to play and eating some blackberry vanilla cheesecake. When the next rejection letter arrives, maybe I will go straight to the piano and cheesecake.

1) A friend writing to tell me she is pregnant. 2) A check from the government returning money I earned two years ago. 3) Another friend writing to tell me she is pregnant. 4) Bridge Mix. 5) A third friend writing to tell me she is pregnant. 6) A college teacher who gives class time (and provides markers) to decorate name tags. 7) Mail that finds its destination. 8) My first gray hair. (It makes me happy because there is only one.) 9) Pink blogs. 10) Flannel sheets and enough pillows that they get lost in the covers.

Sometimes I, even I, am amazed at how slow life is in the slow lane. How do you get a full time teacher who posts his schedule on his office door but that only has one class listed and NO OFFICE HOURS? How do you get a full time teacher who, to my knowledge, niether occupies his office nor answers his phone? Why does a teacher post a phone number for people to call but not bother to have voice mail? How does a teacher have their email address printed in the current schedule of classes and have mail be undeliverable? I almost feel like I should borrow a horse to go ride out to their homestead to make sure they haven't chopped a tree down on their leg.

Um... So it's the first day of Sign Language and this guy tapes his mouth shut in the first thirty seconds and then waves his arms and screams (with his mouth shut) to get the teacher's attention. Then whenever someone else is using their mouth too much, he waves his arms and holds the tape out to them. Eventually, he takes the tape off of his mouth so that he can tell everyone that they should tape their mouth and also so that he can call the teacher a certain part of the male anatomy. This, of course, makes a few people upset, and a woman says "You know, I had to have it out with someone who wasn't as bad with you last semester, and I'm going to have to have it out with you right now." The teacher, rather calmly I think, says "If you don't like my class, you can go, it's only the first day of class." I'm fairly certain he was talking only to the dork guy, but the woman stands up and storms out of the room saying "This isn...

Several years ago, when Teletubbies first made their infamous debut, I heard a lot of people complaining about them. However, most of what I heard had to do with the purple one with the triangle antenna on its head. I'm not sure what I think about that. All I know is what I think of Teletubbies after watching their exercise video (insert insane scream here). Frankly, I find it surprising that I can think at all after watching it. Insert video. Credits begin. Weirdo infant face in fake flaming sun rises. *Cue brain melt.* Weirdo infant face with two teeth cues weirdly and giggles maniacly. And thus the tone is set. By the time the video is over, you feel lucky that you remember how to hit the power button on the TV. After watching Teletubbies, I feel bad for having ever complained about The Wiggles.

Do you ever start off the week by thinking "Hm... This week looks like a good week to go back to school. I wonder what kinds of classes they are offering these days." No? Hm! Imagine that. Well, tut tut. It looks like School.

Today I played Candy Land with monster trucks. There is something very pleasing about driving "Bone Crusher" through the Peppermint Forest.

Buy me a drink 'till I'm sober Buy me a full set of ears 'Cause I'm rich in what matters And poor in what counts. I'm sailing South on a bucket of peas You're heading North on the wind 'Cause I've got honey and money and pork chops and you've got whispers and slippers and cheese. Oh... Buy me a drink 'till I'm sober Buy me a full set of ears 'Cause I'm rich in what matters And poor in what counts. I'm sitting here wishing you'd call me And you're sitting there wishing I'd go. 'Cause I've got three cups of buffalo grass And you've got four and more to sew. Buy me a drink 'till I'm sober Buy me a full set of ears 'Cause I'm rich in what matters And poor in what counts. I'm wishing the sun would start rising You're wishing the dough would start, too 'Cause I've got bottles and baubles and donuts and you've got corn cobs and door knobs and gl...

1) When you play with playdough, do you a) mix all of the colors to see the pretty swirls b) keep the colors separate c) make your own personal selection of colors (muddy green, puke orange, moldy blue) d) discover all of the places you can put playdough and judge the best place as the one that gets the most reaction (head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. Eyes and ears and mouth and nose...) 2) Do you perceive your younger sibling as a) the most highly developed interactive play toy (Do this. Now do this. Ha ha. Look at him!) b) the person who determines which toy you want to play with (No. You play with this. I want to play with that. No, I want to play with both of them now.) c) a baby. Once a baby, always a baby. d) the rival 3) Is your cat your a) squeeze toy b) squeeze toy c) squeeze toy d) squeeze toy 4) Is your ideal lunch a) cold spaghetti b) anything with ketchup c) whatev...

The writer's life always sounds very noble and romantic. But it occured to me that maybe the reason behind this was due to the fact that it is writers who write about it. Now you may think this is rather self-explanatory, but imagine what an engineer might have to say about how the writer lives. Even if he thought writers were cool, if it all relied on him to propagate the occupation, it would live a miserable existence. I think that this is for the same reason you have a large field of historians who study the history of history. It is good and right that the people involved in a particular field should enjoy that field and study all of its avenues, but writers and historians have an extra dimension to the scope of their field. I mean, can you imagine the study of the mathematicalness of math? or the orthodontics of orthodonture? or the science of science? Sure, there may be a handful of people who take an interest in what might be construed as such, but mostly they...

Watch it. Sit and read and listen to it. Sit and think and listen to it. Stay in bed longer just to listen to it. Post on your blog and listen to it. *Please note: this is by no means an exhaustive list.*

Some days you just have to stop and marvel at how many people live to become adults.

Depending on who you ask, I am technically part of the same generation as most of the children I come into contact with during the week. But sometimes, their point of view hits me over the head and leaves me stunned. Several times in the past month, we will be starting a Bible story and one of the kids will pipe up "I know this story already, I watched the movie." Oh, well then, I guess we can move on. But wait. THE movie? Now which movie, exactly, might that be? Are we talking "The Ten Commandments," "The Prince of Egypt," "The Passion of the Christ," "Judas Iscariot," "Jesus," a movie put out by Hollywood, a movie put out by some weirdo somewhere, or a movie put out by someone who tried to keep the movie closely based on the Book? Exactly how much mis-education might we have to undo? But no, they know how the story goes, because they SAW the story, they just aren't reading about it.

It being the first day of the new year, the bothersome "R" word is no doubt lurking in your head. If it wasn't two minutes ago, it is now. But before you decide that you made one blog stop too many and start grumbling "resolutions schmesolutions" might I suggest a way of approaching them that is much more palatable? (And, I might add, much less cliche.) This new method I have practiced for several years now and have found it most satisfying. I like to call it my "Make Resolutions For Someone Else To Keep" method. Of course you can't guarantee that the "someone else" will keep all of the resolutions that you provide for them, but then that is the whole point of new year resolutions. So, naturally, I have decided that my dear readers are in need of some New Year's Resolutions. So without further ado... 1) Visit a pet store and play with (or merely watch) one animal for at least five minutes. 2) Send a snail mail letter to...