Life in the Slow Lane

How many gallons of boiling water do you think I would need to pour into the pool in order to raise the temperature from 70 degrees to 85?

With the recent change in weather from blistering to cool 80's, I have shifted my focus from getting cool at any cost, to remembering where I hid all of my blankets. And along with thoughts of blankets, brings thoughts of rabbits. I once remember reading the question "How many rabbits does it take to heat a three bedroom house?" or some such thing. This of course got me thinking about how you can usually tell whether an animal is used to warm climes or cool by the size of their ear, since the more surface area of the ear, the longer blood has to cool off before going back to the warmth of the heart. Which got me thinking about humans, who don't have very large ears at all (then there is also the question of why do human ears keep on growing? Does that mean that as you age you need more time to cool off?). And then I considered the fact that humans lose the most heat through their head and their feet. So maybe, the bigger your head and feet are, the more yo...

I think I may try writing lyrics for children's shows, if nothing else works out for me. I was greatly impressed by the creativity of lyrics for some of these shows, most especially "The Wiggles-they make me giggle!" For those of you who have not had the opportunity to watch such high-quality performances, I have included some of my favorite song lyrics below. I'm sorry I am unable to convey to you the equally creative motions and score. HOT POTATO Hot potato, hot potato, hot potato (x4) Cold spaghetti, cold spaghetti, cold spaghetti (x4) Mashed banana, mashed banana, mashed banana (x4) Hot potato, hot potato, hot potato (x4) ROLLING DOWN THE SAND HILL Rolling down the sand hill (x8) Running up the sand hill (x8) FRUIT SALAD, YUMMY, YUMMY Fruit salad, yummy, yummy (x8) THE FLOWER SONG And the flowers were yellow bapadapa and blue bapadapa and red bapadapa and purple, too. (repeat 14 times) bridge: Yellow! and Blue! and Red! and Purple...

Someone recently suggested that I borrow a few techniques from business life for my own personal life. Which techniques might those be? Those of A) keeping track of small victories B) posting signs to communicate For example, perhaps like McDonalds I should hang a sign that says "Over 99 Billion Served" (and no, I'm not talking about the 99 Billion ants.) I could merely count how many individual cat food pellets I pour out and I could reach the 99 Billion in no time. Or perhaps like Walmart I could make T-shirts everytime I reach a record for length of time Accident Free. "Accident Free for three hours!" Or, like those businesses in the midst of remodeling, I could say "Please pardon my dust, I am busy to serve you better." But I wouldn't have to stop there. I could hand letter signs that say "Over 7,000 breakfasts eaten before lunch!" or "This chair reserved for associate of the month." And I think I woul...

For those of you who live to invent some new contraption that will catch mice better than ever, I have a brilliant idea I will offer you free of charge. You know those tabs on trashcans that allow you to open them by just stepping on the tab? Why on earth has no one invented something similar for opening doors? Think about all of the wonderful uses: On the refridgerator door for when you need to put a large casserole dish away. On the door to the nursery when you are carrying a sleeping child you don't want to disturb. On the front door when you need to carry in two armloads of groceries. Not only would this invention limit the waste of energy (Mom said never to leave the door open) but it would also save your elbows, hips, and everything else you use on occasion to try and open a door. Hey, if someone has invented dish soap with hand moisturizers, how come no one has figured out this much more necessary invention?

Oh kitty cat upon my chin Please do not bite my nose I know it doesn't look like yours, but that is how it grows! Oh kitty cat between my feet You cuddle as you please The only thing that makes you stop Is your cozy batch of fleas Oh kitty cat up by my ear you lick my forhead clean You sprawl across my open mouth and sit upon my spleen. Oh kitty cat upon my ribs you soften up my bones you knead and turn and knead some more and infringe on no claw zones Oh kitty cat oh kitty cat I hear you purr and meow You do it soft and do it loud you want to teach me how But kitty cat, Oh kitty cat, I really thought you knew I love you dearly, but its true I'm not a cat like you.

It is a good thing I don't believe in reincarnation, otherwise I might give up. As you all know, the small black ants have been gone for over a week now. This morning, however, tiny brown ants converged on my kitchen sink. I've never seen ants like these and I would prefer if I never saw them again, but I have some questions. Questions: If I kill these ants, will they come back as teeny tiny off-white ants? If I used all of the poisons I knew to use on the black ants and they didn't keep the brown ants away, what can I posibly use on the brown ants? Do you think I could turn this around for my benefit and sell ant farms to people? How come the things I really want to kill I have such ill luck with?

Today marks a week from the last time ants ruled our kitchen. I can now continue on with life, not feeling guilty for the many times I sang "Yo quiero tener un millon de hormigas, asi mas fuerte poder gritar." I will scream plenty loud enough, should I care to, with out the help of a million ants. Today also is the anniversary of "we will never forget." May those who died rest in peace. May those who live learn ever more what it means to truly live.

Apparently, the illustrious town in which I live has an optimist club which gets a little bored. In order to curb this boredom, they plan stealth operations. These operations consist of borrowing the services of the police and watching the license plates of passersby. As soon as they spot an out of state license, they turn on the siren and speed after the car. The poor, frightened foreigner, once pulled over, is then greeted with a warm welcome and the offer to eat dinner here in town, curtesy of the optimist club. I suspect that only an optimist club would think that this was the best way to welcome people.

Today I discovered a bar of soap that smelled like stale cigarette smoke in a motel room. I hadn't realized there was a market for that scent.

When one is busy and must cart laundry a fair distance to use a laundromat, it makes sense to save up several loads worth. (Usually this results in doing you laundry in your "laundry day outfit" which consists of anything you would be mortified to be caught wearing by anyone you know.) However, when one is not overly busy, has no need to cart laundry a fair distance to the single washer and dryer in house, it makes absolutely no sense to save up several loads worth to do all at once. But herein lies a problem. How do you manage to wash colors with like colors when you only have a week's worth of laundry? I have been musing on this difficulty for some time and I have arrived at a few solutions. 1) Make your wardrobe all of one color. This works especially well with black or grey. 2) Wear like colored clothing all week long. Thus, after a week of wearing "gentle, light colors" you could wash those and move on to "denim, dark colors in warm w...

You know those advertisements that have an exclamation point after every sentence? I got a ten page advertisement that subscribed to the theory that everything should end in ! because it is all so exciting. It wore me out. It was some of the most difficult ten pages I have read in a while. While I am on the subject of annoying ads, any ad that is so bad that I could make one better should be immediately disqualified and the maker should be sent to mandatory classes on how to sell things. Okay, I think I am done ranting for now.