Cockroaches, Insides Out

* Viewer discretion advised: Not for the weak stomached or newly pregnant *

When I was young, it was a frequent thing for me to hear someone compare what came out of a squished cockroach with mayonnaise. However, when I was young I had a great deal of exposure to squished cockroaches and no exposure at all to mayonnaise. And so while it was perfectly normal for those who were familiar with mayonnaise to compare dead roaches to it, it became perfectly normal for me to compare mayonnaise to the innards of roaches.

And I tried valiantly to avoid mayonnaise at every cost.

I also avoided everything else that looked alarmingly similar, like cottage cheese. In the college cafeteria, the huge vat of applesauce was frequently next to the huge vat of cottage cheese, and while the cafeteria food was enough to drive me back to eating applesauce, it was not enough to drive me back to eating applesauce contaminated by cottage cheese.

Over the years mayonnaise was introduced to my diet by family and friends and people who had never seen the inside of a cockroach. And imagine how startled I was when I actually decided to purchase a jar of mayonnaise for my own use!

But that was nothing compared to my shock when I found myself standing in the grocery store in front of the cottage cheese, craving a taste.

I just happened to have a coupon and so indulged my craving, barely getting all of my purchases inside before ripping open the package and eating every last little bite. It was so good, the next time I was at the store, I bought more.

But for whatever reason, with the very first spoonful, I was reminded of cockroaches, and I could barely swallow, much less finish the package. But as disgusted as I was, I couldn't bare to waste all that I had just purchased.

And then I had an epiphany... remembering the accidental contamination in the cafeteria, I mixed applesauce into my cottage cheese. Mm, mm, good.

Well, let me rephrase that. I mix applesauce into my cottage cheese, and then very carefully avoid looking at it while I spoon it in. Mm, mm, good.


Matthew Carroll said…
Who in the world warped your poor childhood by calling cockroach innards "mayonnaise"?

We don't have many roaches here where we live now. Instead, I started calling diaper cream "mayonesa". Yesterday I heard my wife say to our son, "Espere aí! I need to put the mayonesa em você!"

Our kid's gonna be warped for life.