Life in the Slow Lane

As most of you undoubtedly know, Blogger is sponsoring a write-a-thon for all of the wannabe novelists of the cyber universe. The idea is that during the month of November, the writer blogs daily and by the end of the month voila, s/he has a novel. *cue bad pun about that being a novel idea* Now naturally, one of the first questions that enters my mind is "Why November?" Perhaps because November is the month where cold weather begins in earnest and so you spend most of it in doors. Perhaps because November is 30 days long and so is an easy number for mathematician writers to calculate how many words per day they should write. (Yes, there are such things as mathematician writers. At least I think so.) Or perhaps because November is the month of Thanksgiving and we can all give thanks that most novelists do not write an entire novel in a month. Regardless of the reason, I encourage all of you to sit down and write that novel. Maybe it will turn into a best sel...

So for homework this week, I am supposed to create greeting card ideas from idioms. One example I was given was: Happy are the flexible for they shall never be bent out of shape. (This was written by the great Sandra M. Louden.) But I seem to be having some trouble with a few of the idioms. Take "speaking out of both sides of one's mouth" for example. Um... Outside: You'll be speaking out of both sides of your mouth in no time. Inside: Wishing you a speedy recovery from your stroke. What do you think? or "Lending an ear" Outside: visual of Van Gogh Inside: Thanks for lending me your ear. So, you see... I am having some greeting card trouble.

Okay, I thought I was going to limit myself to one post today on weird fashion trends, but I was minding my own business when suddenly Bam! A pop-up advertisment telling me to go Shabby Chic and get the style I've always wanted. I'm having trouble just saying that without getting the sounds all mixed up. How could I even try to create the look and not expect to get it all mixed up? The problem with walking the tight rope of what is in is that all you need is one little wobble in the wrong direction and you are completely out. One accidental dent, and you need to go through making equally sized dents at regular intervals. One unfortunate mar in the surface, and you have to get distructive with careful precision.

Today I read that nouveau granny is in. I like to sit here and think about all that could possibly mean. Think "nouveau". Now think "granny". Now I wonder, can grannies be nouveau? Or is this just another instance of youth walking into the closets of our elders and saying "You know, this could be totally cool if you took this off and changed this to bright blue and added glittery things and if you wore it so that you showed off your... no cancel that. It would be cool if I wore it to show off my..." So for the entire three weeks that nouveau granny is in, grandmothers will wonder why they can't find any of their favorite things in stock. Then in a year, when their grandchildren are getting ready to take a box of clothes to good will, Grandma will say "Why are you giving this away? It is still brand new! Here, let me take it." And then her grandchildren will die a slow death of mortification everytime they think of Grandma weari...

At what point should you begin to worry when a creature bites you without reason so as to nearly draw blood? Does it affect your answer to know that the particular creature in question is a three year old female child? Now I have begun to wish that she would just stick to checking to see if I am wearing big girl pants rather than experimenting with how live flesh feels between her teeth.

I have met what must be the world's most annoying cat. His name is Ferdy. Usually I find myself to be quite charitable towards felines. Usually I find them cute or entertaining or companionable. But usually they are not chewing on my hair at every chance. Or jumping up on the kitchen counter while I am making dinner. Or stealing the baby's toys from the bath tub. Or running outside at every opportunity so that they must be chased and brought inside. Or fishing under the oven and batting out broken pieces of glass. Or eating the dog's food. Or tearing apart the shower curtain. Or falling into the bath tub and then running through the house streaming water and then climbing on me. I almost figured I should charge more for not having tied him up while I was babysitting.

I realized today why Californians are so much more open with strangers than say... New Englanders. Perhaps I can illustrate how it has come to be. What is the best topic to bring up with a stranger? The weather. A person who lives in a place that gets weather actually has a topic that can last for some time. Californians, however, usually cannot. Thus, Californians desperate to think of some other topic besides weather, say something about the thing that is always on their minds: Themselves. And over time, this has become so normal that it isn't unusual to be told by an utter stranger their sordid history of health, marital, or emotional problems. "Whew! It's hot out there!" "It sure is. It reminds me of the time that I had warts all over my knees and my mom made me walk around with plastic wrap over them so that they wouldn't spread."

Besides being very glad that I am not a dentist or any other person who makes their living from looking in mouths, I find two things that I think about everytime I find myself in the funny recliner trying not to accidentally bite gloved hands. The first thing: Is my nose clean? Looking in mouths is one thing, happening to look in noses is a lot worse. The second thing: How do I spit the flouride out without having it dribble down my chin or get all over me? I obviously wasn't enough of a tom-boy to learn how to spit properly–– because I make a mess everytime. How embarrassing.

I am glad that I am not writing a large cookbook on baking cakes and so must bake at least one cake a day and sample it to see whether it needs improving. I think after two days I would be dangerously close to not wanting to see a cake for a good many years. Besides, I don't think I could ever just manage to do what the ice cream tasters do and only taste and not swallow. Something about sampling cake and then spitting it back out would end my desire to take a bite of anything. But I suppose doing that method with cake would be better than, say, doing the same with casseroles.

I am very excited. Today I have officially entered the business world. How have I done that? you ask. I purchased myself not one, but TWO address stamps (the kind that inks itself). And today I got them in the mail. Now perhaps you wonder why something as small as an address stamp proves that I am now part of the business world. But let me tell you that it signifies how important I am in that it is proof that I have to write my address lots and lots of times. Every time I use that address stamp instead of hand writing my address or using one of those freeby return address labels people sometimes send out, I am proclaiming to the world "This woman is so important that she should not waste her time and hand strength on something so trivial as an address." And obviously, anyone whose time is so valuable must be part of the working world. I think the next step is writing myself pay checks from my checking account.

So this little kid was crying tonight because someone stole his toy and because he was speaking in Spanish, I was called upon to figure out what was wrong, but because he was crying, I couldn't understand him and so we couldn't fix the problem. Poor kid. I hope he isn't scarred for life. I hope I'm not scarred for life.

About a year ago I signed up to receive weekly sleep alert bulletins from the National Sleep Foundation. And about once a week, as I check my email and see the NSF alert waiting for me I think "I should unsubscribe." But then I read it and there is always one thing in it that just makes me very glad that I read it and I wish I could copy it and send it to everyone who I ever knew. But then I realize that then people would probably wish that they could unsubscribe from getting my emails. So instead I will try and limit the cool news to just this small little space on my blog. Here it is: Sleep is good for you! If you get enough sleep you will be happy, healthy, and in a good mood! The test participants (healthy college students) went from saying they needed about 7 hours nightly to over 8 hours nightly after participating in the study. So this is my conclusion: Get lots of sleep! Get saturated on sleep! And then keep it up!

There are two types of people to a three year old, those who wear "Big Girl Pants" and those who don't. There are two types of three year olds, those who check to see whether you are wearing "Big Girl Pants" and those who don't.

How many times can you apply the five second rule to one piece of food?